Surrender

I want to fight for Will. I want to scream and claw and thrash and shake. I want to force people to listen to me. To hear the truth.

But the truth is I don’t have all the facts. I have been present for most of the manic episode highlights and I’ve been the one getting him treatment and meds when I can. But I sleep at night. Will doesn’t.

I don’t know what goes on while I’m stealing a few hours of rest. I don’t know what is going on in Will’s head or heart or brain chemistry. He’s manipulative. How do I know that what I see is what is real?

I don’t.

God does. He knows our hearts. He knows we’ve been abandoned and neglected. He knows our hurt and confusion. He knows that somehow this will work out for Will’s best interest. And mine. He knows what to do to make that best case scenario happen. And he can do it.

My favorite Psalm says that God trains my hands for war so I can bend a bow of bronze (Psalm 18). He never says he puts me in control of the battle. Basically he trains me to be a foot soldier in his army, fighting, retreating, or resting at his command. Whether or not I like it. Whether or not I understand it. Whether or not I agree with it.

Will’s doctors aren’t fighting for him. Neither are his meds. Neither is he sometimes. I am. His family is. But we are annoying in the face of overworked psychiatrists and psychologists. Mute in the face of apathy. Powerless in the mental health machine.

I want to be fierce. I want to be heard. I want to subvert the system and get help. I can’t.

God, however, is the definition of awesome. He is powerful beyond my understanding. He is not cowed by apathy. He is not daunted by the overworked system. He is not caught in a box or machine. He is above it all. And though He is NOT doing what I tell him to do or want him to do, He is in control. He has all the facts. And He loves Will so much more than I can ever hope to.

Today I had to speak in chapel, a weekly tradition at our Christian school, to the young children. I was telling them about all of God’s miracles. How he stopped the sun for two days. He created the earth and holds time, the universe, and me in his hand. He confused armies into killing themselves. He dried up the sea to let his people cross safely. Then he used the water that he held back to destroy the most powerful army on the earth at the time.

He is the one I want fighting for Will. Because the battle belongs to the Lord and he will win.

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